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no longer crazed

sorry guys, i should have posted something longer yesterday. so i resigned from cast. i haven't been able to go as often, and the past few months i've dropped off completely. since my brother's brain injury in december, life has been one big doctor's appointment, & my focus and responsibility has been at home making sure he is cared for & has the best life he can in his state. maybe when i have more free time & my own car again, i'll be able to visit. 

i wish nothing but the best for everyone, & i hope the new apps go well :]


home for the night. it's good to be around the pets. i still feel sick to my stomach. mom can't stop blaming herself for what happened, but we dont know what caused it. i keep telling her that we dont know what happened so we can't go playing the blame game & that we need to focus on the future & being positive for bob.

good news though- the mri results show that it might have been a small seizure. the docs are 99% sure it wasnt a stoke. it could still be hypoxia. i hope it's the seizures. it can be controlled with medication & bob can be rehabilitated back to his base line. i went in to visit him this morning. he was awake (his heart rate was up) so i whiped down his face with a cool cloth, gave him some eye drops, talked with him. he was responding by moving his face more (so thankful) now he kinda does the elvis face. he's also able to move his eye lids a lot more. i'm on the brink of screaming, puking, & crying. i'm so scared for him, but i'm so hopeful he will recover b/c i know he's trying. being home, with just mom & the pets doesn't feel right. that's probably why i feel sick. it's nice to lie down on something comfortable, but it doesn't feel like home without bob here. the pets are cuddling up next to us, which i think does more good than we know of. mom's actually sleeping soundly b/c the dog is next to her. i dunno why i'm writing. outlet i guess. we talked to his main doctor today and she told us he was acknowledging her when she asked him questions. i'm so glad she saw. a lot of people see bob & think he isn't all there. i dont want them to think just b/c he's disabled doesn't mean he doesn't have things to do. i was talking to him about making train videos in oceanside and his eye lids perked up and he was flaring his nostrils. my mom is part of a support group on facebook for people w/ myotubular myopathy and they are all pulling for us. one guy, scott, who lives in hawaii was saying he can't wait to see bob's first train video. also i mentioned something on twitter about johnny cash & willie nelson being contributors, and willie himself responded by wishing bob gets better soon. i thought that was the sweetest thing. i think i'm gonna try and sleep.

Dec. 27th, 2009

He was fine yesterday. he was opening presents. he got a flip camcorder & was so excited. talking about going and filming trains. he got a mind flex & as soon as i explained how it works, and essencially it was like having jedi powers he lit up. his smile is so beautiful.

at noon yesterday mom woke him up, and he wasnt responding like normal. he could kind of twitch his eyes, so we established some communication. he was in there. he was DEFINETLY in there. a lot of people dont get it b/c he's disabled. he's a high school graduate. yeah he acts like a 14 y/o all the time, but he's still my brother. we got him in the ambulance around 230, wanting to go to loma lina. they know him there. he's part of the home mechanical ventilation unit that the hospital hosts. we were advised to take him to rancho where he could get a scan done aspa. loma linda was ready to take him, but i had to make the call in the ambulance. since mom didnt have a cell and was headed to rancho, i decided to go to rancho to see a doc. i feel like that was a big fucking mistake. that hospital is over crowded (granted it's the day after xmas. but it's always over crowded) they dont know him. they dont know which things are normal, and which arent. it took them over 5 HOURS to get blood. granted he's a hard stick, but they get him at lomaa linda evey time cause theyre used to it. he got a cat scan where they saw 2 moderate bleeds in his brain and immediately called for transport to loma linda. we were sitting there. not know how bad it was, or how bad it was getting. he was moving his tongue and lips trying to talk. he was moving his pinky. i kept holding his hand with one of his hot wheels he loves so much. i read off some specs on wiki about his cars and held his hand and i saw his heart rate go down.

around 10p the ambulance came to take him to loma linda. i got mom loaded in the van & went back to attending to bob. it was a smooth ride and we had awesome emts. one said she had worked at LLUMC for 10 years. when we got himup to the 9100 wing we explained everything. and i told them he usually likes to know names, how old they are, what they do, and what they are going to do to him. he's got pretty bad anxiety so it help to calm him down. also holding his hot wheels works.

from what im hearing he's completely unresponsive. which makes me so mad at myself & rancho. i should have made the call to take him here. we wasted time. but i thought it was the right thing to do at the time. i know i cant beat myself up for it b/c i had good intentions. and who know what could have happened on the way to loma linda if i had made that call. they just put in a arterial line b/c his chest IV caused some air in his chest wall. he havent heard from the doc about what is full going on with the bleed, but he said it's small. (they did an mri, x ray & cat scan here) so i'm trying to put my faith in the docs that they will do everything to bring him back to us. im making sure they know he's not some vegitable. he's vibrant. he's got hopes and dreams. he said himself not too long ago he's still got things to do.

didnt get to sleep until 2a. i have this knot in my stomach. i praying so hard that they can fix this bleed. by either shunt or whatever. he needs to come back to us. i know it sounds cold, or insensitive, but he is the reason we still are together. mom and i are paid by the state to take care of him. thats how we eat. thats how we pay rent. God forbid, if he goes, we are literally out on the street. and its scary as fuck. i want to throw up b/c im so worried about my brother, but at the same time i HAVE to think about what to do if God forbid he leaves us. i'm just so scared. i'm trying to stay positive. i'm praying so hard.

RIP Nick Gideon

From what I understand, yesterday (when the article came out) in Afganistan there was an attack on the side of the road, and Nick was killed. I can only assume that is what happened b/c the article did not identify the soldiers, but in the comments someone posted "RIP Nick Gideon".

We were in band together from elementary to 9th grade. We lost touch after that, but he was such a funny guy. Always cracking jokes just to make people smile. & he was a very talented musician.

It tears me up to think about how his final moments were, it makes me physically sick. This war isn't right. I want my friend back. I want my other friends home & safe.


i think i'm gonna start in on graffiti art. i blame the music. and the kids these days *shakes fist*

green day's album is amazing. yeah, it's different. it's supposed to be. with that said, there are some familiar sounds in it. "the static age" sounds like "church on sunday" in some parts.  i'm really loving !viva la gloria! & murder city. as soon as i get paid (next couple days) i'm gonna get my tickets for the san diego show. maybe the la show if i'm feeling risky.

need spray paint. poster boards. & box cutter. this'll be fun. and maybe i'll get a mug shot outta this?

still dunno what im gonna do for my 20th. i kinda want to have a party, but that prolly wont happen b/c it falls a day after buffy's party, and on the day we do the boot thing. hey charity work is fun! i'm stoked for that, if i can make it down there. (the van should be ready in a couple weeks!) i'll even bring one of my docs. but i think the plan will be to get shit faced drunk with megs, derek, & jeremy. i'm good with it :D. i'm gonna pack as much stupid illegal shit as i can into this month. just because im not too happy about not being a teenager anymore. i feel old. (waiting for the barrage of slaps). maybe i'll hit up disney? wreak havoc in the house of mouse. ya, idk yet. i'm for sure gonna hit up SD and spend some time with dani (cause her b-day is 5 days before mine) and bryan. i miss those kids a lot.

also looking forward to finally getting my gardenias! i have 3k still to pay on the van (the guy is working with us, so we'll get it back before it's all paid off) and then i'm gonna go to dwayne & get it done! so stoked. i'm tired of not having studio ink. so in like 2 months or so, i'll have pink gardenias on my back :3

it's like i have espn or something

not quite.

but my knee is acting up, which means it's going to rain. haha i feel like an old woman, predicting weather based on join pain. heh.

love the rain, can't wait till it gets here :)

also: http://punditkitchen.wordpress.com/files/2009/04/political-pictures-darth-vader-new-pope.jpg

Oh! And: http://www.thinkgeek.com/interests/zombies/a19a


dear taylor swift

Umm... honey, wtf?

Not gonna lie, love your music. But I dunno if anyone told you... Romeo and Juliet died. And Hester Prynne was shunned. Not the best role models for a love story. Might as well have thrown Annabell Lee in there.

The song is pretty, but the lyrics makes me laugh.


Fooled brad. Rofl.

"Don't fuck around like that. I was about to kick you down some stairs."

I rofl'd soo hard!

it went really well

the man i saw was a shell of the man i knew. it was like seeing a puppy that was whipped too much, so everywhere it goes, it's tail is between it's legs.  that little 5 year-old girl inside me who wanted to hug her daddy definetly came out. he was no threat. tj & eric were in the restraunt, and i was able to have eye contact with them the whole time . they were there when the whole thing happened in 2005, so they get it. we didn't talk about the past, but we bonded over nerdy things we like. it was light, but seemed to be enough.

i'm ok.


i've decided to be an adult, and deal. i'm still scared, and taking measures to make sure i am safe.

my brother dosent want to see jeb, but as far as jeb knows, bob has no trouble with him. and honestly, i think if jeb knew any different he would do something drastic. so bob will see him tomorrow morning for a few minutes when jeb gets some of his books. so i am meeting him at souplantation, in temecula - very populated area - at 7pm. gary (dani's dad) will be in position in case things go badly. i also have a small weapon to defend myself, if things go too far.

this time, i have the ability to walk away as an adult. not as a traumatized 16 year old. i have an amazing support system. so i am not putting this off any longer. i've suffered from p.t.s.d. long enough. i look at this as moving on with my life. leaving that chapter behind, and looking forward to someting brighter.

love you all! <333